Sundays with the Canadian Curvies!
2018 has been the most pivotal year of my life by far… both mentally and physically, I’ve been through a lot. It has been such a joy to welcome our baby boy into the world, however alongside the excitement we’re a plethora of other things I never could have planned for. I spent 2018 mentally preparing for Curtis’s arrival, and the physical changes in my body certainly helped me grasp what was happening – but at the same time it was worrisome to see my body shift and change. It had taken me years to really embrace my curves, I was so scared to lose them and gain 100 pounds that I could never lose… I went through similar feelings of insecurity that I had in my earlier journey to self love. But with those insecurities came a new sense of acceptance, appreciation and understanding that pregnancy isn’t forever and that the body is an incredible vessel built to bounce back. The experience has helped me truly appreciate and love my body more than ever before. Outside of the physical challenges in 2018, there were more mental hurdles for me this year than any year before. I had a picture perfect pregnancy until about 2 days before my delivery, I found not I had low amniotic fluid and they wanted to induce me. After 8 hours of labour and multiple scares with his heart rate dropping dangerously low, they told me I needed an emergency c-section. This was probably the scariest and most traumatizing experience in my entire life. I had less than 10 minutes to prepare myself for this, let alone overcome my concerns that something was wrong with my baby’s heart. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I can still recall the nurses having to stroke my face and wipe away my tears on the operating table – I was sobbing because it had taken 3 people to find his heartbeat before they could start the operation, and I was so crippled with fear that his heart had stopped and my husband wasn’t in the room yet… and I was numb from the epidural… and then I heard Curtis cry and I was sobbing for an entirely different reason – my pure joy and excitement that he was here safe and sound. He is my greatest accomplishment to date, and I’m so proud of my body for creating him and getting him here safely. Mentally though, I’m not scared to admit that postpartum has been the hardest thing for me. Everyone tells you how beautiful and natural parenting is – I expected it to feel that way to me too. However at times, it has been the most alienating, lonely, frustrating and scary experience.
I was an anxious person before his arrival, and it has only exacerbated it. I constantly second guessed myself, fretted over EVERYTHING, and wondered if I was worthy of being his mom more times than I can count. I struggled with breastfeeding, struggled with lack of sleep, have had to contend with the gassiest baby… it’s been a challenge for me to say the least. But every time he smiles at me, the whole world melts away and I know that I’m doing my best and that we’ll get through this. He’s 3 months now and I still have challenges, but I’ve already learned so much about myself in these few months. I learned that I would do anything for my baby, that I’m even more fiercely protective than I ever thought, that I have NO PATIENCE and I’m working on it, that I HAVE NO CONTROL and I’m working on that too, to be nicer to myself and trust my instincts as a mom, and most importantly that I’ve never felt a love like this before. Looking ahead to 2019, I have a few goals for myself but my main one is to stop questioning myself. I’ve had so much self doubt, I always have – it’s what used to fuel me to be stronger, braver, more outgoing, but I’ve outgrown that now and realize that method will no longer work for me as a parent. I need to be my biggest supporter and encourager, this will only make me stronger and more resilient.
My other goal is to allow my family to help me more. I’m an incredibly independent person and to be honest, I’ve learned that I’m not a very trusting person… even of my family. It’s been a hard pill to swallow and I constantly ask myself why I don’t trust them with my baby, but Rome wasn’t built in a day… and so I will work little by little to trust more and know that my baby will be safe and in good hands. Having a child is an experience like none other and my last goal is to relax a bit more, and settle in for the ride. There’s so much to look forward to so much in 2019, watching my baby grow, experiencing new things with him like swimming, his first summer, his first birthday, his first steps, my first Mother’s Day… a year of beautiful firsts and many beautiful memories. #CanadianCurvies #ThankYouBody #ipromise #lovetheskinyourin #newmother #pregnancy #womensmentalhealth #bodypositivity #empoweredwomen #plusmodelmag #pmmlovemybody #daremagazine #fabuplus #canadianwomen #newyears2019 #cheerstous