New Year, same you

by Elaina Clarke

As I write this, I’m sitting on the couch in one of those sports bras meant for lounging and a pair of shorts. My stomach is relaxed and in full view. Six months ago – even three months ago – this would never have happened.

Even alone, I couldn’t stand to look at myself. Now, in eating disorder recovery for coming up on a year, I am learning – struggling – trying – to embrace the curves I ran from for so long.

Spring is a lot like recovery. The season, like the journey, is all about renewal.

It’s about reclamation. In the spring, everything cold and covered becomes refreshed. Nature comes out of the shadows and begins confidently to spread her reach. There’s no more hibernation – no more hiding.

It’s easy to hide. It’s easy to find things to hate about yourself. It’s not nearly as easy to wear your own skin proudly and step out into the world, “flaws” and all. But when we hide, when we apologize for who we are at our core, we’re doing a disservice – not just to ourselves, but to the world.

In our society, we’re taught to apologize for our bodies.

We apologize for what and how much we eat. We apologize for not fitting into clothes, or for not being that specific size. We’re taught to constantly be sorry for who we are.

But we can’t truly show up in this life if we’re constantly coming from a place of shame and self-hatred. We will never be able to contribute anything of value if we’re too rooted in our own internal loathing to be heard.

So be loud. Be bright. Be vibrant. Show up in this world in the body you have right now, not the body you want to have. Because that “ideal” body that you torture yourself to achieve is not your purpose, and it does not define your value.

But the body you have right now, in this moment, will always be enough.

Because it is yours. No apologies necessary.